Another dip on the PAL rollercoaster

Well I'm going through another bad time on this road to recovery. Pregnancy hormones, Christmas getting close, everything's happening all at once. I'm getting close to the birth so that's bringing up a lot of emotions. Just how on earth do I cope with trying to feed and look after a baby during the first week, how do I avoid the same thing happening again. What's the one thing babies do during the first week, lose weight. What's the one thing that indicates a baby isn't feeding enough, loosing weight. So basically I have to keep going through the 'normal' weight loss hoping it's not 'abnormal' weight loss. Oh well that's just going to be super easy for a paranoid PAL mother. I think I'll probably go to see the pediatrition every couple of days for a check up at the start, and thankfully that only means driving into town, parking up, walking up with a newborn to sit and wait in a medical centre surrounded by sick people during a dangerous flu epidemic. Oh and this is all during the special time I should be spending as much time as possible feeding him. Superb, well that's another thing that's bound to be easy to do.

I'm just sick of this right now. I'm so emotional I'll cry over anything. It's just not fair. I hate being the mother to a dead baby. I should have my baby now. She should be reaching milestones that everyone else's baby reaches.

But on the plus side we got the heart beat checked on Tuesday and everything's fine. He's vertex and on the left so all ready for birthing. The movements are still there but don't seem to be the massive shuffling round movements any more. Fingers crossed he's settled in now and there's no more moving ahead.

I just ache for him, I ache to hold him in my arms.

Christmas Knitting

Well I was brave enough to start knitting again, and to knit Christmas stuff. The last hat I knitted was one small enough to fit Isabel. This is for my friend's daughter who was a trimester ahead of me. It helps that it was larger, I think it would be harder to knit a very small hat just now. I plan to knit Django one too, but only once he comes out and I know what size he is. And that I know he will wear it.

Children are meant to look like a pudding at Christmas anyway so a pudding hat just rounds of the Christmas spirit. Next on the list is a little santa hat.

Braxton Hicks

OK so I'm excited, I had my first braxton hicks pressure wave (we're on Hypnobabies speak from now on so the c word is banned) yesterday evening. It was just so wierd to feel my belly getting a bit tight but yet it not to be my proper birthing time. That just made it all feel so real to me, as though yes I am going to birth again, and yes I am going to get a baby.

I'm adding a photo J took of me in my maternity leggings. He was impressed with just how high these come. They're well and truly over the bump, they virtually come to over the very top of the bump. I think they'll reach my armpits when I'm not knocked up.

27 week scan

Well we asked for a shot of his face, I've not seen such a good face shot on a normal scan before.

27 weeks exactly and we had a scan to check on Django. It appears I'm going high risk, or more monitoring anyway. This was certainly an earlier scan than normal and the next one is in a month. The doctor had a really really good look at his internal organs. We even got a disco heart. She made all flashing blue and red bits around the heart. I'm guessing that was checking the blood flow, looked quite good and I've never seen them do that before. I even had to lie on my side for a bit. We got the all clear though, everything's appearing normal which is good especially considering how much she looked at it all. Django is appearing to slightly measure ahead, especially on his head size. I'm hoping that taking the omega3 won't seem like a bad idea later on. Then again after having done hypnobabies before I really am not worried about anything. Yes it looks like he'll be bigger than Isabel, yes his head is likely to be a touch larger because of the omega3. But that's simply something else my body simply has to deal with. It was made for birthing after all, and we've already done this once. So a slightly larger version can't be much of a big deal.

The only thing that's a bit of a downer is he's breech at the minute. OK so 27 weeks is maybe early for him to be getting ready. But after he'd switched from transverse I was so sure he'd gone head down. And I am doing all the spinning babies pelvic tilts I can. I guess we'll see at the next scan where he decides to go, there's still loads of time before we even start to get worried, but I might start preparing myself for a breech birth anyway. The more you know about the different styles of birthing the better.

I googled for 2lb baby to see how big he is and he's just at probably part way down your wrist. I think the baby next to Isabel in intensive care was about that size. It really is tiny. So he's got a bit of growing to do yet and some fat to put on.

I started back up with the hypnobabies yesterday which was a bit strange. Just hearing the start music all over again and the 'welcome to your hypnobabies cd'. It's just so familiar. I was a bit nervous about the special place aspect as that's obviously where I still feel I can be with Isabel. When I imagine myself there I will be with 2 babies. Actually before I conceived I imagined myself there with a little fair haired boy, so that's why even before conceiving I was convinced it was a boy as I felt there was a boy there waiting for me.

And now for the belly shots. I'm getting significantly larger. The belly's starting to fold over and overhang. I waddle when I walk and can no longer just bend forwards any more as it all get squashed up!




Well we did ask for a shot of his face. I swear he's looking at me and smiling in this.

Empty cradle, empty heart

Yesterday I was sorting everything out and finally took out the stuff from what we used as a moses basket. And yes I can still see the indent from Isabel's head. It's so hard to believe I had a little daughter to hold onto, and that she did sleep in her lovely blue bath. I haven't washed the last stuff she wore. I haven't quite got to the plastic bag with the clothes she was wearing when we took her to hospital. I know that'll be rough. Coming home from hospital without her hurt so much, I could still hear her cry.

This time we caved and did get a 'proper' moses basket. It was from freecycle so why not. But I still think the bath is the best thing. Plastic so wipe clean, strong so you can pick it up and carry it on one hip. Oh and it's baby sized. It will feel so strange when we are bathing Django in this little bath.

Head down

Well I'm 26w and little Django appears to have read the instruction booklet. He was squiggling around a fair bit recently and appears to no longer be lying transverse. I'm fairly sure I've got a hard spine along the left. Obviously he could be having a little sit up before turning upside down. But I'd prefer to think he knows what he's meant to do and put his heavy little head down, and back outwards before he gets much bigger.

Only a week till the next ultrasound so we'll get to where he actually is. Not completely sure how many ultrasounds I have left. I'm not too sure if I've been put onto more monitoring, or the same as last time. I'm sure this ultrasound is early which means I've got another one I stand a chance of going to. Fingers crossed for no PROM though and making it until pressure waves are naturally strong enough to get this little one out without pit.

Baking, Spinning, Waddling and Nesting

Well the title pretty much sums up my life. We had a bit of a mammoth baking session - scones banana bread and biscuits. Finally the mystery of Millies Cookies has been solved. They're not dead chewy and gooey because they're undercooked, they're mainly egg based so it's like a meringue the recipe is here. I do like economy gastronomy purely because it teaches people not to spend £16,000 a year on food (no wonder both parents have to go out to work), but sometimes I am shocked at the prices even for the 'economy' food. £12/kg for salmon? Out here it's half that. No wonder we eat so much better out here.

Now last Monday was officially 24 weeks. Yes we're a whole week past viability. How amazing is that. Now we're just browning rather than doing proper cooking. Little Django has everything he needs to survive out here. I'm also taking Vitamin C this time to help avoid PROM and all that stupid pit stuff that goes with it. I don't know what I'll do if things go the same again. Ideally I would like no pit or CFM and 'normal' pressure waves (hypnobabies only phrases from now on). So I'd like to try a bit longer to see if things get going properly on their own again. But then again that's an 'ideal world' and lets face it I do not live there. The hospital here has a 12 hour rule so if I go in basically I'm on the clock and will be under pressure. But if I stay at home anything could go wrong. Babies do die. I couldn't live with myself for trying for some silly magical normal birth rather than going in and making do with pit again.

So now we get to spinning. Little Django is transverse. I think I've felt the odd little kick/punch under my left rib so he might be flipping around a bit in there, but generally it's all on the left or right hip. Spinning babies is fantastic so I've started pelvic tilts. Lets get this little lad in the right position. I'll show him who's boss.

I'm now up to 9 stone with a 36" waist. This is my largest with Isabel so considering I've another 3 months to go things are going to get bigger. Personally I think I'm starting to look ridiculous, and I also keep spilling food on my bump. I look like a woman with a cushion shoved up my t-shirt. This has naturally started the lovely waddling. Oh and lower back pain. PAL means you generally go from one to another quicker than 'normal' women. Which means you carry more extra weight (baby weight and comfort eating), your pelvic floor is not in the best shape, and your lower back hurts so much more.

Nesting may have started. I am finding I'm cleaning more, nesting doesn't turn me into a super cleaning freak. No it just about gets me into being a normal person. The house is managing to remain at an acceptable level and I am sort of starting to sort the baby clothes. I have the newborn and 0-3 in a box anyway. Although I still look at next newborn stuff and think there's no way something newborn is coming out of me at that size.

In the supermarket the other day I heard a newborn crying. Oh that sound does go straight through you. It almost made me break down in the supermarket. How will I cope with a newborn noise again. Will I only think of Django or will it remind me of Isabel. I remember being so jealous of people in NICU with babies who cried, their babies moved and made noises. At that moment I would have given anything for a crying baby. I am nearly starting to think of myself having a baby to hold again, now and then I have a baby dream, generally a live baby but the odd dead baby pops up.

If only lightening didn't strike in the same place twice. Jet's story just reminds you we're never out the woods. Why does this happen. Why are there so many unanswered questions even nowadays. Why can medical science grow an ear on a mouse but not keep a baby alive? Why do we have to go through this. I hate being a woman who's lost a baby. I hate the pain. I can never return to the lost innocence that 'normal' people have.

Tomorrow I have my glucose test. Will have to look out a book for that one. I'm not good with needles anyway so taking blood first thing in the morning when I've had no breakfast is such a good idea. I didn't get bad with the pregnancy draws last time, the worst was when they were taking blood the last time we went to ICU to check for genetic disorders. I think that was the situation making it worse though. Oh and the nearly fainting when they put the drip in thing. Fingers crossed I have such strong vit c strengthened membranes that Django is born as the boy in the bubble.

Well I'm just over 23 weeks. It seems time has flown by, but then again it seems ages ago since I got the BFP. I'm officially in maternity jeans now, but that's mainly because I have a pair of maternity jeans that fit, and stay up. I'm still yet to be convinced by wearing a t-shirt with I love my bump on it yet, but the t-shirts do fit so well, they cover bump but aren't tent like at all. The P for pregnant just needs an addition of P is for Pregnant and Paranoid.

New belly pics, notice how slimming black is.

I've been sorting through the baby clothes we got from eBay and freecycle. I've spent a grand total of £1.04 and this is how much I have:

I dread to think how much people spend if they buy each item on its own new. We're going to set up a bank account as a university account. Rather than spend money now on brand new clothing we will put a bit of cash now and then into a savings account. Hopefully family and friends will also do that rather than buy us even more stuff that we already have and don't need.

Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

I always knew tears in heaven was a sad song, but I never realised truly how much of a crushingly sad song it was. Accidentally heard it at the weekend and it just brings up so many questions. I know Isabel died before she was old enough to really focus on my face and recognise me, so would she recognise me again. Is there even a heaven. In hospital the Tuesday when she later had the convulsions that came before the brain death she did put her little arm on mine when I put my hand on her stomach. She did try to move towards me and tangle up the wires and tubes. Was this because she knew it was me, or because it was human contact and she was sad and lonely in that awful little box.

It's so hard to accept grief as part of your life and that the smallest little thing can just completely destroy you, it comes out of nowhere you don't expect it and suddenly everything comes crashing down all around you. The perfect exterior of a woman who's coping falls apart.

To be honest I think grief plus pregnancy hormones is a bad mix. Seriously I am up and down all the time, sometimes happy when I forget the pain. But it's always close by ready to pounce. Sometimes I can be around 'normal' people again. Sometimes I can't be bothered with 'normality' and 'normal' problems. How normal people talk about children and birth.

Sometimes I look forward to the birth of Django, sometimes I worry about life after birth. Keeping another baby alive and dealing with that along with the 'normal' paranoia, hormones all over the place and tiredness that come after giving birth. I want this little one out as soon as possible, but I also want to keep him inside me and alive.

When saying goodbye to people here I can't bring myself to say next time I see you I'll have the little baby. Because it really might not happen. I may not have a baby for Christmas. The world really is a dangerous place.

We've picked up a load of clothing (eBay and freecycle) and I know I need to sort things out when I get back. But the thought of putting clothing in drawers and preparing to take home a live healthy baby fills me with dread. I think I will have to save that for a braver time. Maybe I will nest this time and get completely organised. I'm looking forward to packing my hospital bag and putting a babygrow in it. Currently I have a washbag ready but no babygrows till we get to viability.

It's a boy

The second scan was yesterday. It's amazing how much detail is there, and that you can see it. There are 5 fingers on the hand, all the limbs are there, kidneys and liver, the heart has all the bits in it, spine's looking good. Oh and the most important thing, it's a boy. Now this isn't a suprise to me at all as I did just know. Strange explaining to people how you do just know, OK so some people do get it wrong, but so far I've guessed 2 out of 2, so that's quite good I'd say.

I'm still so amazed and almost relaxed to have seen such a healthy little boy moving around. You just expect at any point it all to go wrong, OK so my pregnancy last time was perfectly normal, but I know babies die so I am not out the woods, not now, not never. Babies die, infants die, children die. Death is all around us and it just doesn't only happen to the 'other people'. Easy to just presume that 'other people' have a miscarriage, 'other people' have a still birth, husbands and parent's of 'other people' die. But these things can happen to 'us'. We're not completely imune.

Still I won a massive load of pregnancy gear on eBay. A bundle with 10 pairs of jeans (who needs that many pairs), some jumpers, some tshirts I'm not convinced by. I think it's a bit in your face to wear an I love my bump t shirt. Now an 'I'm scared shitless this bump will die at any second t shirt' oh yes that'd be far more appropriate.

Sorting all the house stuff out and getting the bedroom organised I put together a hospital wash bag, just in case. If anything happens this early I don't think there's time to pack bags. I nearly then went and got a baby grow for the bag till I realised that this early I won't need one. I'll expand my collection to also include my underwear, and then look forward to viability when I can include a babygrow too.

People in my DDC are starting to talk about preparing for Christmas and how they're going to do it and some are even wondering who will have Christmas babies. I just can't beleive their innocence. They're looking forward to Christmas (that must be a nice feeling) and thinking it might be a good thing to have a Christmas baby. Well at least I'll have my little rainbow baby by then so my arms won't feel so empty.

Now a few photos of the bump progress, from the front not so obvious, it's just the side!

Heartbeat

Well we heard the heartbeat today, and yes it was there which is amazing. There's always that doubt in your mind that any day now it can all go wrong. But still for the time being there is definatly a heartbeat in there. Last night I even found the little one under my bellybutton (well it is big enough to hide under). I've always been a bit wierd about feeling bones, tendons and any thing really under the skin. So really it was a bit sort of strange to begin with. A hard solid object under there. I could figure out what was where though and didn't really want to poke too much, probably for the best. But that makes first poke to me in the 'who can annoy who' the most during pregnancy.

Not long now until the first scan, still can't decide on a name though so no idea how we'll come up with anything. Secretly maybe I hope it's a girl so that's already decided. 19 weeks and one day, getting close to viability now.

I'm having the RRL tea most days now so I think that helps get into the whole pregnancy. It feels like it really is happening if I'm doing all the same things I did last time. Well except this time we'll hopefully get to keep the baby at home, and alive.

Bonny somehow managed to break her tail the other day, she was sitting there in the morning with a very nasty cut on it. The vets had to put her under to see if it could be stitched or had to come off. That meant an overnight stay, when we were on the way back I was worried we wouldn't be able to take her home. As though anyone who goes into hospital or to the vets now just doesn't make it out. Still we did bring her home so she's got a lovely purple lampshade to wear until the stitches come out.

Fire Fire!

Well the other night there was no need for a TV, there were massive forest fires on the mountains ahead of us so we sort of sat out watching the countryside burn. No one's injured as far as I know so it's just a few older properties with some damage. But it was fairly impressive to watch, it just spread everywhere so quickly. 5% humidity, temperatures of 40º and wind of 30km/h will kind of do that.

Smoke blackens out the sky

Didn't manage to get to the medical centre today so that'll be next week now. Django (the new name for this bean) is still moving around so fingers crossed they're still in there and moving around when we go to hear the heartbeat. I know I'm not at more risk as my last pregnancy was without complications, but even still I wouldn't be at all suprised if something went wrong. I am at least prepared for the fact that babies die. Will that stop me bonding in the end with Django, who knows. I don't want to get my hopes up too much just in case, and it all seems too surreal, like me with a baby, a live baby at that. Nah that'll never happen.

My necklace to store the ashes in was ordered yesterday so that's on it's way. I will feel so much happier when I have that. Was also looking at the blue and pink ribbons, one company (can't remember which, one of the 'standard' loss jewelry places) does quite a pretty looking glass one. I sort of want to have one as a badge to other mothers to not feel angry by the site of a pregnant woman. I guess it's like a secret society, you see the badge and know there's an angel up there somewhere belonging to that person. I'll also work on the tatoo I want, but that'll have to wait till after the birth. (It's so hard not to add, if there is one, then).

Anyway I wonder if any of the PAL mothers have dropped yet, will be nice to see them starting to come through. One loss in my DDC already. I hate the fact that I am wondering who will be the next. I don't know statistically how many we're due but I'm guessing there will be a few more.

Getting Ready

Well people in my DDC are talking about when to 'get ready' for the baby and I realised I just don't think I can bring myself to get all the stuff out again. It really freaks me out and I can't imagine getting all the little babygrows out and putting them in a drawer. Maybe I'll feel better as this progresses and it gets closer. I think I could sort the clothes and have them in the vacuum bags in age order again, but actually in a drawer? No, I don't think I want to as it's just not much fun packing it all away again.

I think we might go and hear the heartbeat tomorrow so that should be fun. Am going to see if I can get something to record it onto this time. Got to save these little moments just in case they're all you end up with.

Countdown to the 'big one' is on, 30th July. Can't wait to see what's in there waiting for us. I am convinced it's a boy but I just can't get sorted on a name yet. We can't really agree on one we both like.

Kicking off

Well I have officially felt movemnts from the outside now, 17w5d. I will now admit I am definatley getting regular little movements, not the odd 'was that one' I was getting last week. This is comforting, very comforting. I go from really looking forward to holding a baby (imagine that a baby I can take home from the hospital and keep at home), to just expecting nothing at the next scan. The bubble has burst, I am no longer surrounded by that comforting thought that babies don't die and it only ever happens to 'other people'. Reading other loss stories helps in one way as I am actually a bit more prepared for no heartbeat at a scan. But then again everyone else's story just gives me something else to worry about.

I think I'm getting to that point where it's all hitting me a bit again. Far enough away to almost forget the wonder of holding a child, but not close enough to nearly have the next one. The story about the balloon release and the woman who didn't want to let go hit home. I really did not want to walk away that last time in intensive care. I was walking away from a baby that moved when I touched her leg. Yet apparantly she was no longer there any more. The pain of that last moment is so great I don't actually know how I can carry it forever. I just look forward to a time when it doesn't hurt so much to remember.

The earth moves

Well OK so the earth isn't moving as such, but yesterday I suspected I felt a little movement, and just now I think I felt another. It's hard to describe the early movements, sort of like an air bubble popping inside, or something very small sort of lightly knocks into you. Today is 15w 6 days and about right for movement. It's just so difficult when there's only one and you're not ready, then you sit there thinking go on do that again and I can see if it is the bean or not. But unfortunatly the bean is not co-operating.

If this is the start of movement I am starting to feel reasured. I nearly put relaxed but that's crazy talk. For some reason I now have it in my head I have to get past 22 weeks. Others have had 22 week losses so for some reason that and the final few weeks are some major hurdle for me. Apart from the whole getting through the birth, bringing home a live baby and keeping it alive thing.

The problem is other loss mothers are such a support as they know how you feel, yet their stories just make you realise that these things do happen. The people in my DDC seem so normal as they've not suffered a loss, yet the loss stories can just fuel paranoia.

Still I'm starting back on the RRL tea so that will seem reassuring and hopefully get me settled back into being pregnant again. That and the yoga remind me of last year doing the same things. The only difference is I'm sure the belly's showing way sooner this time.

Encouraging Stories

I have been reading the encouraging stories from PAL to counteract the sadness you feel reading about someone else's loss. You do wonder why life throws this at some of us. The only problem is reading about 2nd trimester losses, just makes you realise you're not out the woods for a bit. Even then I don't think I'll be as relaxed as a mother can be until maybe a month after birth.

I've also been amazed at the stories from pregnant mamas after a loss, people with little ones of their own getting through the milestones. Amazing that hopefully this year I will also bring home a little one who'll stay at home this time. There are so many firsts Isabel never reached so I'm only just about being able to read about other people's children sitting up, rolling over...

I don't have the camera for bellypics so I'm taking measurements instead, I'm at just over 29" round the bellybutton, I think I started off at 27(ish). My normal measurement I'm sure is around 26 but I still had a bit of PP and post loss comfort eating fat. I went up to 36" in total with Isabel so who knows where this one will take me.

The view from the garden at the new spot, the hospital reassuringly in the distance not that far away.

Beginnings

I thought about starting a blog after Isabel's death but I didn't want to start something on a sad time. So now this is starting after I move house, only 10 mins from the hospital and closer to civilisation. Also I am 15 weeks pregnant with the next baby bean. The cycle has started again and although I feel an ache to not be able to hold Isabel I know I will have another baby. December seems so far away, the start of a pregnancy always seems to go so slowly. Waiting to get to the magic 12 weeks, waiting for the second scan to know what's in there.

My belly is starting to round a little so I feel happier to be becoming obviously pregnant. It will be a while before people feel they can ask if I am a little rounded or pregnant, but at least I know it's rounding for the baby bean. The next hurdle is the first movement. I knew I would miss not having a baby inside because it was reassuring to have a baby kicking and moving and to be constantly acompanied by someone. Unfortunatly I thought the movement inside would be replaced by movement outside. I think I will feel reassured when I can feel the bean moving and wiggling.

Baby bean with hands in front of face. The doctor had to move the little one to get other measurements and it was not at all impressed and did the hands waving in front of face thing, very much a 'stop bothering me' movement.