Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

I always knew tears in heaven was a sad song, but I never realised truly how much of a crushingly sad song it was. Accidentally heard it at the weekend and it just brings up so many questions. I know Isabel died before she was old enough to really focus on my face and recognise me, so would she recognise me again. Is there even a heaven. In hospital the Tuesday when she later had the convulsions that came before the brain death she did put her little arm on mine when I put my hand on her stomach. She did try to move towards me and tangle up the wires and tubes. Was this because she knew it was me, or because it was human contact and she was sad and lonely in that awful little box.

It's so hard to accept grief as part of your life and that the smallest little thing can just completely destroy you, it comes out of nowhere you don't expect it and suddenly everything comes crashing down all around you. The perfect exterior of a woman who's coping falls apart.

To be honest I think grief plus pregnancy hormones is a bad mix. Seriously I am up and down all the time, sometimes happy when I forget the pain. But it's always close by ready to pounce. Sometimes I can be around 'normal' people again. Sometimes I can't be bothered with 'normality' and 'normal' problems. How normal people talk about children and birth.

Sometimes I look forward to the birth of Django, sometimes I worry about life after birth. Keeping another baby alive and dealing with that along with the 'normal' paranoia, hormones all over the place and tiredness that come after giving birth. I want this little one out as soon as possible, but I also want to keep him inside me and alive.

When saying goodbye to people here I can't bring myself to say next time I see you I'll have the little baby. Because it really might not happen. I may not have a baby for Christmas. The world really is a dangerous place.

We've picked up a load of clothing (eBay and freecycle) and I know I need to sort things out when I get back. But the thought of putting clothing in drawers and preparing to take home a live healthy baby fills me with dread. I think I will have to save that for a braver time. Maybe I will nest this time and get completely organised. I'm looking forward to packing my hospital bag and putting a babygrow in it. Currently I have a washbag ready but no babygrows till we get to viability.