Another dip on the PAL rollercoaster

Well I'm going through another bad time on this road to recovery. Pregnancy hormones, Christmas getting close, everything's happening all at once. I'm getting close to the birth so that's bringing up a lot of emotions. Just how on earth do I cope with trying to feed and look after a baby during the first week, how do I avoid the same thing happening again. What's the one thing babies do during the first week, lose weight. What's the one thing that indicates a baby isn't feeding enough, loosing weight. So basically I have to keep going through the 'normal' weight loss hoping it's not 'abnormal' weight loss. Oh well that's just going to be super easy for a paranoid PAL mother. I think I'll probably go to see the pediatrition every couple of days for a check up at the start, and thankfully that only means driving into town, parking up, walking up with a newborn to sit and wait in a medical centre surrounded by sick people during a dangerous flu epidemic. Oh and this is all during the special time I should be spending as much time as possible feeding him. Superb, well that's another thing that's bound to be easy to do.

I'm just sick of this right now. I'm so emotional I'll cry over anything. It's just not fair. I hate being the mother to a dead baby. I should have my baby now. She should be reaching milestones that everyone else's baby reaches.

But on the plus side we got the heart beat checked on Tuesday and everything's fine. He's vertex and on the left so all ready for birthing. The movements are still there but don't seem to be the massive shuffling round movements any more. Fingers crossed he's settled in now and there's no more moving ahead.

I just ache for him, I ache to hold him in my arms.

Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

I always knew tears in heaven was a sad song, but I never realised truly how much of a crushingly sad song it was. Accidentally heard it at the weekend and it just brings up so many questions. I know Isabel died before she was old enough to really focus on my face and recognise me, so would she recognise me again. Is there even a heaven. In hospital the Tuesday when she later had the convulsions that came before the brain death she did put her little arm on mine when I put my hand on her stomach. She did try to move towards me and tangle up the wires and tubes. Was this because she knew it was me, or because it was human contact and she was sad and lonely in that awful little box.

It's so hard to accept grief as part of your life and that the smallest little thing can just completely destroy you, it comes out of nowhere you don't expect it and suddenly everything comes crashing down all around you. The perfect exterior of a woman who's coping falls apart.

To be honest I think grief plus pregnancy hormones is a bad mix. Seriously I am up and down all the time, sometimes happy when I forget the pain. But it's always close by ready to pounce. Sometimes I can be around 'normal' people again. Sometimes I can't be bothered with 'normality' and 'normal' problems. How normal people talk about children and birth.

Sometimes I look forward to the birth of Django, sometimes I worry about life after birth. Keeping another baby alive and dealing with that along with the 'normal' paranoia, hormones all over the place and tiredness that come after giving birth. I want this little one out as soon as possible, but I also want to keep him inside me and alive.

When saying goodbye to people here I can't bring myself to say next time I see you I'll have the little baby. Because it really might not happen. I may not have a baby for Christmas. The world really is a dangerous place.

We've picked up a load of clothing (eBay and freecycle) and I know I need to sort things out when I get back. But the thought of putting clothing in drawers and preparing to take home a live healthy baby fills me with dread. I think I will have to save that for a braver time. Maybe I will nest this time and get completely organised. I'm looking forward to packing my hospital bag and putting a babygrow in it. Currently I have a washbag ready but no babygrows till we get to viability.