On the outside looking in

Christmas day 2010 should have been Isabel's 2nd birthday and was the first Christmas Day back in the UK. Jordan and I had a lot of 'talks' about how it would be. He said I had to pretend to be happy for Leo, and yes I agree that he cannot see that Christmas day is a sad day for me. I don't want his Christmas to be ruined by the gap that is unfilled every year. But I just couldn't promise I wouldn't get upsed. I can't promise that and I don't know how I will be each year. Part of me also doesn't want to be all happy and joyful as I feel that would be disrespectful. My daughter is dead and although I manage to forget this during some parts of my life I should remember her on her birthday. When we were talking, and getting a bit worked up, Leo was sat in between us chuckling an giggling. But it was so obviou s he was trying to laugh to make us happy. He was sat there laughing and just trying to lighten the mood, it broke my heart. How do I balance Isabel's birthday, and Christmas? How do I manage to not constantly have my son growing up trying to make sure I don't sit down and cry?

My parents as always did not say a single thing. Yeah OK maybe they 'didn't want to upset me.' But I cannot believe another year they didn't even say are you alright.

At one point I had to get something from the car, I looked across the road to my neighbours. They moved in when I was 7, their daughter was the same age. We went to school together and have kept in touch since university and life meant we saw less of each other. She was due a trimester before me, it seemed so perfect. Both pregnant with daughters so close together, we grew up together so it would just be so nice. Her daughter was also 6lb when she was born, the trouble is her daughter is still alive and I still don't understand why life did this. Well when I looked across the road I saw my friend and her husband with her parents with their arms round each other all dancing round in a circle. I must say I don't think I have ever hated them as much as I did. The contrast was so obvious. Me with my grief, them all together as a family dancing around with joy on Christmas day. I can't wait till her daughter starts school, starts dating, goes to university and gets married. It's shitty to deal with this crap, but it's even shittier to see constantly see the life that should have been. It's like our lives were together but we both got to a cross roads and I took the wrong path. Trouble is I can't go back.