Where did it all go wrong

I can't believe this Christmas will be 3 years since Isabel was born. It's quite overwhelming. It almost seems unreal that it happened. In the same way I forget what Leo was like when he was a baby I forget what it was like to hold Isabel. The strong emotions are that final time I walked away from NICU knowing that later that day 2 children would be recieving the gift of life from my daughter. I walked away from my daughter who was breathing, her body was functioning, but yet her brain had let us down. That last visit with her was hard. What do you do to visit a baby in NICU, a baby who isn't looking at you, who is technically brain dead. We never took any photos in the hospital because that's not the baby I wanted to remember. I wanted to remember the baby that was in my arms, the baby I held, the baby I let down. It's still unbelievable that she's gone. It makes no sense.

We're now officially trying again so I'm coming to terms with never having a daughter. I have to prepare myself for only having living boys otherwise I will be so upset if I do hope for a girl. The things I will miss, helping my daughter on her wedding day, being there during her pregnancy, helping her with her own children. OK so one day I may have a daughter in law, but it won't be the same. She'll share all those things with her mother and I will be on the sidelines. My heart will always ache for the daughter who never stayed.




I'm still angry that it happened, but glad that through this Jordan and I have stayed together. At least it didn't break us up, which it could easily have done.

Now we have moved house the nearests hospital is the one with the NICU. It's on a hill so it's a major landmark in the city. I see it every time we go shopping. It brings back the memories of going to visit Isabel. Oh the dread as we walked up those stairs. I wanted to see her, to hold her, to take her home. I didn't want to stand by a stupid fucking box while nurses cared for my daughter. Then again they managed to keep her alive and get her fluids up so that her organs started to recover. I'm the one who failed her.

I suspect it's time to turn on the TV and have a glass of wine before I really start dwelling.