27 week scan

Well we asked for a shot of his face, I've not seen such a good face shot on a normal scan before.

27 weeks exactly and we had a scan to check on Django. It appears I'm going high risk, or more monitoring anyway. This was certainly an earlier scan than normal and the next one is in a month. The doctor had a really really good look at his internal organs. We even got a disco heart. She made all flashing blue and red bits around the heart. I'm guessing that was checking the blood flow, looked quite good and I've never seen them do that before. I even had to lie on my side for a bit. We got the all clear though, everything's appearing normal which is good especially considering how much she looked at it all. Django is appearing to slightly measure ahead, especially on his head size. I'm hoping that taking the omega3 won't seem like a bad idea later on. Then again after having done hypnobabies before I really am not worried about anything. Yes it looks like he'll be bigger than Isabel, yes his head is likely to be a touch larger because of the omega3. But that's simply something else my body simply has to deal with. It was made for birthing after all, and we've already done this once. So a slightly larger version can't be much of a big deal.

The only thing that's a bit of a downer is he's breech at the minute. OK so 27 weeks is maybe early for him to be getting ready. But after he'd switched from transverse I was so sure he'd gone head down. And I am doing all the spinning babies pelvic tilts I can. I guess we'll see at the next scan where he decides to go, there's still loads of time before we even start to get worried, but I might start preparing myself for a breech birth anyway. The more you know about the different styles of birthing the better.

I googled for 2lb baby to see how big he is and he's just at probably part way down your wrist. I think the baby next to Isabel in intensive care was about that size. It really is tiny. So he's got a bit of growing to do yet and some fat to put on.

I started back up with the hypnobabies yesterday which was a bit strange. Just hearing the start music all over again and the 'welcome to your hypnobabies cd'. It's just so familiar. I was a bit nervous about the special place aspect as that's obviously where I still feel I can be with Isabel. When I imagine myself there I will be with 2 babies. Actually before I conceived I imagined myself there with a little fair haired boy, so that's why even before conceiving I was convinced it was a boy as I felt there was a boy there waiting for me.

And now for the belly shots. I'm getting significantly larger. The belly's starting to fold over and overhang. I waddle when I walk and can no longer just bend forwards any more as it all get squashed up!




Well we did ask for a shot of his face. I swear he's looking at me and smiling in this.

Head down

Well I'm 26w and little Django appears to have read the instruction booklet. He was squiggling around a fair bit recently and appears to no longer be lying transverse. I'm fairly sure I've got a hard spine along the left. Obviously he could be having a little sit up before turning upside down. But I'd prefer to think he knows what he's meant to do and put his heavy little head down, and back outwards before he gets much bigger.

Only a week till the next ultrasound so we'll get to where he actually is. Not completely sure how many ultrasounds I have left. I'm not too sure if I've been put onto more monitoring, or the same as last time. I'm sure this ultrasound is early which means I've got another one I stand a chance of going to. Fingers crossed for no PROM though and making it until pressure waves are naturally strong enough to get this little one out without pit.

Baking, Spinning, Waddling and Nesting

Well the title pretty much sums up my life. We had a bit of a mammoth baking session - scones banana bread and biscuits. Finally the mystery of Millies Cookies has been solved. They're not dead chewy and gooey because they're undercooked, they're mainly egg based so it's like a meringue the recipe is here. I do like economy gastronomy purely because it teaches people not to spend £16,000 a year on food (no wonder both parents have to go out to work), but sometimes I am shocked at the prices even for the 'economy' food. £12/kg for salmon? Out here it's half that. No wonder we eat so much better out here.

Now last Monday was officially 24 weeks. Yes we're a whole week past viability. How amazing is that. Now we're just browning rather than doing proper cooking. Little Django has everything he needs to survive out here. I'm also taking Vitamin C this time to help avoid PROM and all that stupid pit stuff that goes with it. I don't know what I'll do if things go the same again. Ideally I would like no pit or CFM and 'normal' pressure waves (hypnobabies only phrases from now on). So I'd like to try a bit longer to see if things get going properly on their own again. But then again that's an 'ideal world' and lets face it I do not live there. The hospital here has a 12 hour rule so if I go in basically I'm on the clock and will be under pressure. But if I stay at home anything could go wrong. Babies do die. I couldn't live with myself for trying for some silly magical normal birth rather than going in and making do with pit again.

So now we get to spinning. Little Django is transverse. I think I've felt the odd little kick/punch under my left rib so he might be flipping around a bit in there, but generally it's all on the left or right hip. Spinning babies is fantastic so I've started pelvic tilts. Lets get this little lad in the right position. I'll show him who's boss.

I'm now up to 9 stone with a 36" waist. This is my largest with Isabel so considering I've another 3 months to go things are going to get bigger. Personally I think I'm starting to look ridiculous, and I also keep spilling food on my bump. I look like a woman with a cushion shoved up my t-shirt. This has naturally started the lovely waddling. Oh and lower back pain. PAL means you generally go from one to another quicker than 'normal' women. Which means you carry more extra weight (baby weight and comfort eating), your pelvic floor is not in the best shape, and your lower back hurts so much more.

Nesting may have started. I am finding I'm cleaning more, nesting doesn't turn me into a super cleaning freak. No it just about gets me into being a normal person. The house is managing to remain at an acceptable level and I am sort of starting to sort the baby clothes. I have the newborn and 0-3 in a box anyway. Although I still look at next newborn stuff and think there's no way something newborn is coming out of me at that size.

In the supermarket the other day I heard a newborn crying. Oh that sound does go straight through you. It almost made me break down in the supermarket. How will I cope with a newborn noise again. Will I only think of Django or will it remind me of Isabel. I remember being so jealous of people in NICU with babies who cried, their babies moved and made noises. At that moment I would have given anything for a crying baby. I am nearly starting to think of myself having a baby to hold again, now and then I have a baby dream, generally a live baby but the odd dead baby pops up.

If only lightening didn't strike in the same place twice. Jet's story just reminds you we're never out the woods. Why does this happen. Why are there so many unanswered questions even nowadays. Why can medical science grow an ear on a mouse but not keep a baby alive? Why do we have to go through this. I hate being a woman who's lost a baby. I hate the pain. I can never return to the lost innocence that 'normal' people have.

Tomorrow I have my glucose test. Will have to look out a book for that one. I'm not good with needles anyway so taking blood first thing in the morning when I've had no breakfast is such a good idea. I didn't get bad with the pregnancy draws last time, the worst was when they were taking blood the last time we went to ICU to check for genetic disorders. I think that was the situation making it worse though. Oh and the nearly fainting when they put the drip in thing. Fingers crossed I have such strong vit c strengthened membranes that Django is born as the boy in the bubble.

Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

I always knew tears in heaven was a sad song, but I never realised truly how much of a crushingly sad song it was. Accidentally heard it at the weekend and it just brings up so many questions. I know Isabel died before she was old enough to really focus on my face and recognise me, so would she recognise me again. Is there even a heaven. In hospital the Tuesday when she later had the convulsions that came before the brain death she did put her little arm on mine when I put my hand on her stomach. She did try to move towards me and tangle up the wires and tubes. Was this because she knew it was me, or because it was human contact and she was sad and lonely in that awful little box.

It's so hard to accept grief as part of your life and that the smallest little thing can just completely destroy you, it comes out of nowhere you don't expect it and suddenly everything comes crashing down all around you. The perfect exterior of a woman who's coping falls apart.

To be honest I think grief plus pregnancy hormones is a bad mix. Seriously I am up and down all the time, sometimes happy when I forget the pain. But it's always close by ready to pounce. Sometimes I can be around 'normal' people again. Sometimes I can't be bothered with 'normality' and 'normal' problems. How normal people talk about children and birth.

Sometimes I look forward to the birth of Django, sometimes I worry about life after birth. Keeping another baby alive and dealing with that along with the 'normal' paranoia, hormones all over the place and tiredness that come after giving birth. I want this little one out as soon as possible, but I also want to keep him inside me and alive.

When saying goodbye to people here I can't bring myself to say next time I see you I'll have the little baby. Because it really might not happen. I may not have a baby for Christmas. The world really is a dangerous place.

We've picked up a load of clothing (eBay and freecycle) and I know I need to sort things out when I get back. But the thought of putting clothing in drawers and preparing to take home a live healthy baby fills me with dread. I think I will have to save that for a braver time. Maybe I will nest this time and get completely organised. I'm looking forward to packing my hospital bag and putting a babygrow in it. Currently I have a washbag ready but no babygrows till we get to viability.

It's a boy

The second scan was yesterday. It's amazing how much detail is there, and that you can see it. There are 5 fingers on the hand, all the limbs are there, kidneys and liver, the heart has all the bits in it, spine's looking good. Oh and the most important thing, it's a boy. Now this isn't a suprise to me at all as I did just know. Strange explaining to people how you do just know, OK so some people do get it wrong, but so far I've guessed 2 out of 2, so that's quite good I'd say.

I'm still so amazed and almost relaxed to have seen such a healthy little boy moving around. You just expect at any point it all to go wrong, OK so my pregnancy last time was perfectly normal, but I know babies die so I am not out the woods, not now, not never. Babies die, infants die, children die. Death is all around us and it just doesn't only happen to the 'other people'. Easy to just presume that 'other people' have a miscarriage, 'other people' have a still birth, husbands and parent's of 'other people' die. But these things can happen to 'us'. We're not completely imune.

Still I won a massive load of pregnancy gear on eBay. A bundle with 10 pairs of jeans (who needs that many pairs), some jumpers, some tshirts I'm not convinced by. I think it's a bit in your face to wear an I love my bump t shirt. Now an 'I'm scared shitless this bump will die at any second t shirt' oh yes that'd be far more appropriate.

Sorting all the house stuff out and getting the bedroom organised I put together a hospital wash bag, just in case. If anything happens this early I don't think there's time to pack bags. I nearly then went and got a baby grow for the bag till I realised that this early I won't need one. I'll expand my collection to also include my underwear, and then look forward to viability when I can include a babygrow too.

People in my DDC are starting to talk about preparing for Christmas and how they're going to do it and some are even wondering who will have Christmas babies. I just can't beleive their innocence. They're looking forward to Christmas (that must be a nice feeling) and thinking it might be a good thing to have a Christmas baby. Well at least I'll have my little rainbow baby by then so my arms won't feel so empty.

Now a few photos of the bump progress, from the front not so obvious, it's just the side!

Fire Fire!

Well the other night there was no need for a TV, there were massive forest fires on the mountains ahead of us so we sort of sat out watching the countryside burn. No one's injured as far as I know so it's just a few older properties with some damage. But it was fairly impressive to watch, it just spread everywhere so quickly. 5% humidity, temperatures of 40º and wind of 30km/h will kind of do that.

Smoke blackens out the sky

Didn't manage to get to the medical centre today so that'll be next week now. Django (the new name for this bean) is still moving around so fingers crossed they're still in there and moving around when we go to hear the heartbeat. I know I'm not at more risk as my last pregnancy was without complications, but even still I wouldn't be at all suprised if something went wrong. I am at least prepared for the fact that babies die. Will that stop me bonding in the end with Django, who knows. I don't want to get my hopes up too much just in case, and it all seems too surreal, like me with a baby, a live baby at that. Nah that'll never happen.

My necklace to store the ashes in was ordered yesterday so that's on it's way. I will feel so much happier when I have that. Was also looking at the blue and pink ribbons, one company (can't remember which, one of the 'standard' loss jewelry places) does quite a pretty looking glass one. I sort of want to have one as a badge to other mothers to not feel angry by the site of a pregnant woman. I guess it's like a secret society, you see the badge and know there's an angel up there somewhere belonging to that person. I'll also work on the tatoo I want, but that'll have to wait till after the birth. (It's so hard not to add, if there is one, then).

Anyway I wonder if any of the PAL mothers have dropped yet, will be nice to see them starting to come through. One loss in my DDC already. I hate the fact that I am wondering who will be the next. I don't know statistically how many we're due but I'm guessing there will be a few more.