Well I have officially felt movemnts from the outside now, 17w5d. I will now admit I am definatley getting regular little movements, not the odd 'was that one' I was getting last week. This is comforting, very comforting. I go from really looking forward to holding a baby (imagine that a baby I can take home from the hospital and keep at home), to just expecting nothing at the next scan. The bubble has burst, I am no longer surrounded by that comforting thought that babies don't die and it only ever happens to 'other people'. Reading other loss stories helps in one way as I am actually a bit more prepared for no heartbeat at a scan. But then again everyone else's story just gives me something else to worry about.
I think I'm getting to that point where it's all hitting me a bit again. Far enough away to almost forget the wonder of holding a child, but not close enough to nearly have the next one. The story about the balloon release and the woman who didn't want to let go hit home. I really did not want to walk away that last time in intensive care. I was walking away from a baby that moved when I touched her leg. Yet apparantly she was no longer there any more. The pain of that last moment is so great I don't actually know how I can carry it forever. I just look forward to a time when it doesn't hurt so much to remember.
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hi clare,
ReplyDeletei'm so happy you're feeling more movements. i wish you didn't have this painful knowledge that babies die, i wish you didn't have any fears. i'll be thinking about you.
oh, and i've had that balloon story in my head too. today is my due date and i thought about releasing balloons but i don't know if i can handle that today.
christie
I'm so pleased little one is giving you a thorough kicking.
ReplyDeleteI think there are some moments that will just be burned into our brain forever but I do remember another loss mama talking about the time when her loss became "a small part of her soul rubbed raw". I look forward to the day when it is just a small part. Getting these rainbows into our arms will help - never replace of course - but help.
The balloon thing seems such a wonderful thing to do but I do just get so emotional even thinking about it. I would love to be able to, but I don't know if I could. Isabel was born on Christmas day so I might get everyone to release a balloon from wherever they are.
ReplyDeleteYeah Jill when it's a small part it'll be easier. I think when we feel just sadness without starting to well up it'll be less difficult (can't exactly say easy).