Kicking off

Well I have officially felt movemnts from the outside now, 17w5d. I will now admit I am definatley getting regular little movements, not the odd 'was that one' I was getting last week. This is comforting, very comforting. I go from really looking forward to holding a baby (imagine that a baby I can take home from the hospital and keep at home), to just expecting nothing at the next scan. The bubble has burst, I am no longer surrounded by that comforting thought that babies don't die and it only ever happens to 'other people'. Reading other loss stories helps in one way as I am actually a bit more prepared for no heartbeat at a scan. But then again everyone else's story just gives me something else to worry about.

I think I'm getting to that point where it's all hitting me a bit again. Far enough away to almost forget the wonder of holding a child, but not close enough to nearly have the next one. The story about the balloon release and the woman who didn't want to let go hit home. I really did not want to walk away that last time in intensive care. I was walking away from a baby that moved when I touched her leg. Yet apparantly she was no longer there any more. The pain of that last moment is so great I don't actually know how I can carry it forever. I just look forward to a time when it doesn't hurt so much to remember.