It's a boy

The second scan was yesterday. It's amazing how much detail is there, and that you can see it. There are 5 fingers on the hand, all the limbs are there, kidneys and liver, the heart has all the bits in it, spine's looking good. Oh and the most important thing, it's a boy. Now this isn't a suprise to me at all as I did just know. Strange explaining to people how you do just know, OK so some people do get it wrong, but so far I've guessed 2 out of 2, so that's quite good I'd say.

I'm still so amazed and almost relaxed to have seen such a healthy little boy moving around. You just expect at any point it all to go wrong, OK so my pregnancy last time was perfectly normal, but I know babies die so I am not out the woods, not now, not never. Babies die, infants die, children die. Death is all around us and it just doesn't only happen to the 'other people'. Easy to just presume that 'other people' have a miscarriage, 'other people' have a still birth, husbands and parent's of 'other people' die. But these things can happen to 'us'. We're not completely imune.

Still I won a massive load of pregnancy gear on eBay. A bundle with 10 pairs of jeans (who needs that many pairs), some jumpers, some tshirts I'm not convinced by. I think it's a bit in your face to wear an I love my bump t shirt. Now an 'I'm scared shitless this bump will die at any second t shirt' oh yes that'd be far more appropriate.

Sorting all the house stuff out and getting the bedroom organised I put together a hospital wash bag, just in case. If anything happens this early I don't think there's time to pack bags. I nearly then went and got a baby grow for the bag till I realised that this early I won't need one. I'll expand my collection to also include my underwear, and then look forward to viability when I can include a babygrow too.

People in my DDC are starting to talk about preparing for Christmas and how they're going to do it and some are even wondering who will have Christmas babies. I just can't beleive their innocence. They're looking forward to Christmas (that must be a nice feeling) and thinking it might be a good thing to have a Christmas baby. Well at least I'll have my little rainbow baby by then so my arms won't feel so empty.

Now a few photos of the bump progress, from the front not so obvious, it's just the side!

Heartbeat

Well we heard the heartbeat today, and yes it was there which is amazing. There's always that doubt in your mind that any day now it can all go wrong. But still for the time being there is definatly a heartbeat in there. Last night I even found the little one under my bellybutton (well it is big enough to hide under). I've always been a bit wierd about feeling bones, tendons and any thing really under the skin. So really it was a bit sort of strange to begin with. A hard solid object under there. I could figure out what was where though and didn't really want to poke too much, probably for the best. But that makes first poke to me in the 'who can annoy who' the most during pregnancy.

Not long now until the first scan, still can't decide on a name though so no idea how we'll come up with anything. Secretly maybe I hope it's a girl so that's already decided. 19 weeks and one day, getting close to viability now.

I'm having the RRL tea most days now so I think that helps get into the whole pregnancy. It feels like it really is happening if I'm doing all the same things I did last time. Well except this time we'll hopefully get to keep the baby at home, and alive.

Bonny somehow managed to break her tail the other day, she was sitting there in the morning with a very nasty cut on it. The vets had to put her under to see if it could be stitched or had to come off. That meant an overnight stay, when we were on the way back I was worried we wouldn't be able to take her home. As though anyone who goes into hospital or to the vets now just doesn't make it out. Still we did bring her home so she's got a lovely purple lampshade to wear until the stitches come out.

Fire Fire!

Well the other night there was no need for a TV, there were massive forest fires on the mountains ahead of us so we sort of sat out watching the countryside burn. No one's injured as far as I know so it's just a few older properties with some damage. But it was fairly impressive to watch, it just spread everywhere so quickly. 5% humidity, temperatures of 40º and wind of 30km/h will kind of do that.

Smoke blackens out the sky

Didn't manage to get to the medical centre today so that'll be next week now. Django (the new name for this bean) is still moving around so fingers crossed they're still in there and moving around when we go to hear the heartbeat. I know I'm not at more risk as my last pregnancy was without complications, but even still I wouldn't be at all suprised if something went wrong. I am at least prepared for the fact that babies die. Will that stop me bonding in the end with Django, who knows. I don't want to get my hopes up too much just in case, and it all seems too surreal, like me with a baby, a live baby at that. Nah that'll never happen.

My necklace to store the ashes in was ordered yesterday so that's on it's way. I will feel so much happier when I have that. Was also looking at the blue and pink ribbons, one company (can't remember which, one of the 'standard' loss jewelry places) does quite a pretty looking glass one. I sort of want to have one as a badge to other mothers to not feel angry by the site of a pregnant woman. I guess it's like a secret society, you see the badge and know there's an angel up there somewhere belonging to that person. I'll also work on the tatoo I want, but that'll have to wait till after the birth. (It's so hard not to add, if there is one, then).

Anyway I wonder if any of the PAL mothers have dropped yet, will be nice to see them starting to come through. One loss in my DDC already. I hate the fact that I am wondering who will be the next. I don't know statistically how many we're due but I'm guessing there will be a few more.

Getting Ready

Well people in my DDC are talking about when to 'get ready' for the baby and I realised I just don't think I can bring myself to get all the stuff out again. It really freaks me out and I can't imagine getting all the little babygrows out and putting them in a drawer. Maybe I'll feel better as this progresses and it gets closer. I think I could sort the clothes and have them in the vacuum bags in age order again, but actually in a drawer? No, I don't think I want to as it's just not much fun packing it all away again.

I think we might go and hear the heartbeat tomorrow so that should be fun. Am going to see if I can get something to record it onto this time. Got to save these little moments just in case they're all you end up with.

Countdown to the 'big one' is on, 30th July. Can't wait to see what's in there waiting for us. I am convinced it's a boy but I just can't get sorted on a name yet. We can't really agree on one we both like.

Kicking off

Well I have officially felt movemnts from the outside now, 17w5d. I will now admit I am definatley getting regular little movements, not the odd 'was that one' I was getting last week. This is comforting, very comforting. I go from really looking forward to holding a baby (imagine that a baby I can take home from the hospital and keep at home), to just expecting nothing at the next scan. The bubble has burst, I am no longer surrounded by that comforting thought that babies don't die and it only ever happens to 'other people'. Reading other loss stories helps in one way as I am actually a bit more prepared for no heartbeat at a scan. But then again everyone else's story just gives me something else to worry about.

I think I'm getting to that point where it's all hitting me a bit again. Far enough away to almost forget the wonder of holding a child, but not close enough to nearly have the next one. The story about the balloon release and the woman who didn't want to let go hit home. I really did not want to walk away that last time in intensive care. I was walking away from a baby that moved when I touched her leg. Yet apparantly she was no longer there any more. The pain of that last moment is so great I don't actually know how I can carry it forever. I just look forward to a time when it doesn't hurt so much to remember.

The earth moves

Well OK so the earth isn't moving as such, but yesterday I suspected I felt a little movement, and just now I think I felt another. It's hard to describe the early movements, sort of like an air bubble popping inside, or something very small sort of lightly knocks into you. Today is 15w 6 days and about right for movement. It's just so difficult when there's only one and you're not ready, then you sit there thinking go on do that again and I can see if it is the bean or not. But unfortunatly the bean is not co-operating.

If this is the start of movement I am starting to feel reasured. I nearly put relaxed but that's crazy talk. For some reason I now have it in my head I have to get past 22 weeks. Others have had 22 week losses so for some reason that and the final few weeks are some major hurdle for me. Apart from the whole getting through the birth, bringing home a live baby and keeping it alive thing.

The problem is other loss mothers are such a support as they know how you feel, yet their stories just make you realise that these things do happen. The people in my DDC seem so normal as they've not suffered a loss, yet the loss stories can just fuel paranoia.

Still I'm starting back on the RRL tea so that will seem reassuring and hopefully get me settled back into being pregnant again. That and the yoga remind me of last year doing the same things. The only difference is I'm sure the belly's showing way sooner this time.

Encouraging Stories

I have been reading the encouraging stories from PAL to counteract the sadness you feel reading about someone else's loss. You do wonder why life throws this at some of us. The only problem is reading about 2nd trimester losses, just makes you realise you're not out the woods for a bit. Even then I don't think I'll be as relaxed as a mother can be until maybe a month after birth.

I've also been amazed at the stories from pregnant mamas after a loss, people with little ones of their own getting through the milestones. Amazing that hopefully this year I will also bring home a little one who'll stay at home this time. There are so many firsts Isabel never reached so I'm only just about being able to read about other people's children sitting up, rolling over...

I don't have the camera for bellypics so I'm taking measurements instead, I'm at just over 29" round the bellybutton, I think I started off at 27(ish). My normal measurement I'm sure is around 26 but I still had a bit of PP and post loss comfort eating fat. I went up to 36" in total with Isabel so who knows where this one will take me.

The view from the garden at the new spot, the hospital reassuringly in the distance not that far away.