Another dip on the PAL rollercoaster

Well I'm going through another bad time on this road to recovery. Pregnancy hormones, Christmas getting close, everything's happening all at once. I'm getting close to the birth so that's bringing up a lot of emotions. Just how on earth do I cope with trying to feed and look after a baby during the first week, how do I avoid the same thing happening again. What's the one thing babies do during the first week, lose weight. What's the one thing that indicates a baby isn't feeding enough, loosing weight. So basically I have to keep going through the 'normal' weight loss hoping it's not 'abnormal' weight loss. Oh well that's just going to be super easy for a paranoid PAL mother. I think I'll probably go to see the pediatrition every couple of days for a check up at the start, and thankfully that only means driving into town, parking up, walking up with a newborn to sit and wait in a medical centre surrounded by sick people during a dangerous flu epidemic. Oh and this is all during the special time I should be spending as much time as possible feeding him. Superb, well that's another thing that's bound to be easy to do.

I'm just sick of this right now. I'm so emotional I'll cry over anything. It's just not fair. I hate being the mother to a dead baby. I should have my baby now. She should be reaching milestones that everyone else's baby reaches.

But on the plus side we got the heart beat checked on Tuesday and everything's fine. He's vertex and on the left so all ready for birthing. The movements are still there but don't seem to be the massive shuffling round movements any more. Fingers crossed he's settled in now and there's no more moving ahead.

I just ache for him, I ache to hold him in my arms.

Christmas Knitting

Well I was brave enough to start knitting again, and to knit Christmas stuff. The last hat I knitted was one small enough to fit Isabel. This is for my friend's daughter who was a trimester ahead of me. It helps that it was larger, I think it would be harder to knit a very small hat just now. I plan to knit Django one too, but only once he comes out and I know what size he is. And that I know he will wear it.

Children are meant to look like a pudding at Christmas anyway so a pudding hat just rounds of the Christmas spirit. Next on the list is a little santa hat.

Braxton Hicks

OK so I'm excited, I had my first braxton hicks pressure wave (we're on Hypnobabies speak from now on so the c word is banned) yesterday evening. It was just so wierd to feel my belly getting a bit tight but yet it not to be my proper birthing time. That just made it all feel so real to me, as though yes I am going to birth again, and yes I am going to get a baby.

I'm adding a photo J took of me in my maternity leggings. He was impressed with just how high these come. They're well and truly over the bump, they virtually come to over the very top of the bump. I think they'll reach my armpits when I'm not knocked up.

27 week scan

Well we asked for a shot of his face, I've not seen such a good face shot on a normal scan before.

27 weeks exactly and we had a scan to check on Django. It appears I'm going high risk, or more monitoring anyway. This was certainly an earlier scan than normal and the next one is in a month. The doctor had a really really good look at his internal organs. We even got a disco heart. She made all flashing blue and red bits around the heart. I'm guessing that was checking the blood flow, looked quite good and I've never seen them do that before. I even had to lie on my side for a bit. We got the all clear though, everything's appearing normal which is good especially considering how much she looked at it all. Django is appearing to slightly measure ahead, especially on his head size. I'm hoping that taking the omega3 won't seem like a bad idea later on. Then again after having done hypnobabies before I really am not worried about anything. Yes it looks like he'll be bigger than Isabel, yes his head is likely to be a touch larger because of the omega3. But that's simply something else my body simply has to deal with. It was made for birthing after all, and we've already done this once. So a slightly larger version can't be much of a big deal.

The only thing that's a bit of a downer is he's breech at the minute. OK so 27 weeks is maybe early for him to be getting ready. But after he'd switched from transverse I was so sure he'd gone head down. And I am doing all the spinning babies pelvic tilts I can. I guess we'll see at the next scan where he decides to go, there's still loads of time before we even start to get worried, but I might start preparing myself for a breech birth anyway. The more you know about the different styles of birthing the better.

I googled for 2lb baby to see how big he is and he's just at probably part way down your wrist. I think the baby next to Isabel in intensive care was about that size. It really is tiny. So he's got a bit of growing to do yet and some fat to put on.

I started back up with the hypnobabies yesterday which was a bit strange. Just hearing the start music all over again and the 'welcome to your hypnobabies cd'. It's just so familiar. I was a bit nervous about the special place aspect as that's obviously where I still feel I can be with Isabel. When I imagine myself there I will be with 2 babies. Actually before I conceived I imagined myself there with a little fair haired boy, so that's why even before conceiving I was convinced it was a boy as I felt there was a boy there waiting for me.

And now for the belly shots. I'm getting significantly larger. The belly's starting to fold over and overhang. I waddle when I walk and can no longer just bend forwards any more as it all get squashed up!




Well we did ask for a shot of his face. I swear he's looking at me and smiling in this.

Empty cradle, empty heart

Yesterday I was sorting everything out and finally took out the stuff from what we used as a moses basket. And yes I can still see the indent from Isabel's head. It's so hard to believe I had a little daughter to hold onto, and that she did sleep in her lovely blue bath. I haven't washed the last stuff she wore. I haven't quite got to the plastic bag with the clothes she was wearing when we took her to hospital. I know that'll be rough. Coming home from hospital without her hurt so much, I could still hear her cry.

This time we caved and did get a 'proper' moses basket. It was from freecycle so why not. But I still think the bath is the best thing. Plastic so wipe clean, strong so you can pick it up and carry it on one hip. Oh and it's baby sized. It will feel so strange when we are bathing Django in this little bath.

Head down

Well I'm 26w and little Django appears to have read the instruction booklet. He was squiggling around a fair bit recently and appears to no longer be lying transverse. I'm fairly sure I've got a hard spine along the left. Obviously he could be having a little sit up before turning upside down. But I'd prefer to think he knows what he's meant to do and put his heavy little head down, and back outwards before he gets much bigger.

Only a week till the next ultrasound so we'll get to where he actually is. Not completely sure how many ultrasounds I have left. I'm not too sure if I've been put onto more monitoring, or the same as last time. I'm sure this ultrasound is early which means I've got another one I stand a chance of going to. Fingers crossed for no PROM though and making it until pressure waves are naturally strong enough to get this little one out without pit.

Baking, Spinning, Waddling and Nesting

Well the title pretty much sums up my life. We had a bit of a mammoth baking session - scones banana bread and biscuits. Finally the mystery of Millies Cookies has been solved. They're not dead chewy and gooey because they're undercooked, they're mainly egg based so it's like a meringue the recipe is here. I do like economy gastronomy purely because it teaches people not to spend £16,000 a year on food (no wonder both parents have to go out to work), but sometimes I am shocked at the prices even for the 'economy' food. £12/kg for salmon? Out here it's half that. No wonder we eat so much better out here.

Now last Monday was officially 24 weeks. Yes we're a whole week past viability. How amazing is that. Now we're just browning rather than doing proper cooking. Little Django has everything he needs to survive out here. I'm also taking Vitamin C this time to help avoid PROM and all that stupid pit stuff that goes with it. I don't know what I'll do if things go the same again. Ideally I would like no pit or CFM and 'normal' pressure waves (hypnobabies only phrases from now on). So I'd like to try a bit longer to see if things get going properly on their own again. But then again that's an 'ideal world' and lets face it I do not live there. The hospital here has a 12 hour rule so if I go in basically I'm on the clock and will be under pressure. But if I stay at home anything could go wrong. Babies do die. I couldn't live with myself for trying for some silly magical normal birth rather than going in and making do with pit again.

So now we get to spinning. Little Django is transverse. I think I've felt the odd little kick/punch under my left rib so he might be flipping around a bit in there, but generally it's all on the left or right hip. Spinning babies is fantastic so I've started pelvic tilts. Lets get this little lad in the right position. I'll show him who's boss.

I'm now up to 9 stone with a 36" waist. This is my largest with Isabel so considering I've another 3 months to go things are going to get bigger. Personally I think I'm starting to look ridiculous, and I also keep spilling food on my bump. I look like a woman with a cushion shoved up my t-shirt. This has naturally started the lovely waddling. Oh and lower back pain. PAL means you generally go from one to another quicker than 'normal' women. Which means you carry more extra weight (baby weight and comfort eating), your pelvic floor is not in the best shape, and your lower back hurts so much more.

Nesting may have started. I am finding I'm cleaning more, nesting doesn't turn me into a super cleaning freak. No it just about gets me into being a normal person. The house is managing to remain at an acceptable level and I am sort of starting to sort the baby clothes. I have the newborn and 0-3 in a box anyway. Although I still look at next newborn stuff and think there's no way something newborn is coming out of me at that size.

In the supermarket the other day I heard a newborn crying. Oh that sound does go straight through you. It almost made me break down in the supermarket. How will I cope with a newborn noise again. Will I only think of Django or will it remind me of Isabel. I remember being so jealous of people in NICU with babies who cried, their babies moved and made noises. At that moment I would have given anything for a crying baby. I am nearly starting to think of myself having a baby to hold again, now and then I have a baby dream, generally a live baby but the odd dead baby pops up.

If only lightening didn't strike in the same place twice. Jet's story just reminds you we're never out the woods. Why does this happen. Why are there so many unanswered questions even nowadays. Why can medical science grow an ear on a mouse but not keep a baby alive? Why do we have to go through this. I hate being a woman who's lost a baby. I hate the pain. I can never return to the lost innocence that 'normal' people have.

Tomorrow I have my glucose test. Will have to look out a book for that one. I'm not good with needles anyway so taking blood first thing in the morning when I've had no breakfast is such a good idea. I didn't get bad with the pregnancy draws last time, the worst was when they were taking blood the last time we went to ICU to check for genetic disorders. I think that was the situation making it worse though. Oh and the nearly fainting when they put the drip in thing. Fingers crossed I have such strong vit c strengthened membranes that Django is born as the boy in the bubble.