The earth moves

Well OK so the earth isn't moving as such, but yesterday I suspected I felt a little movement, and just now I think I felt another. It's hard to describe the early movements, sort of like an air bubble popping inside, or something very small sort of lightly knocks into you. Today is 15w 6 days and about right for movement. It's just so difficult when there's only one and you're not ready, then you sit there thinking go on do that again and I can see if it is the bean or not. But unfortunatly the bean is not co-operating.

If this is the start of movement I am starting to feel reasured. I nearly put relaxed but that's crazy talk. For some reason I now have it in my head I have to get past 22 weeks. Others have had 22 week losses so for some reason that and the final few weeks are some major hurdle for me. Apart from the whole getting through the birth, bringing home a live baby and keeping it alive thing.

The problem is other loss mothers are such a support as they know how you feel, yet their stories just make you realise that these things do happen. The people in my DDC seem so normal as they've not suffered a loss, yet the loss stories can just fuel paranoia.

Still I'm starting back on the RRL tea so that will seem reassuring and hopefully get me settled back into being pregnant again. That and the yoga remind me of last year doing the same things. The only difference is I'm sure the belly's showing way sooner this time.

Encouraging Stories

I have been reading the encouraging stories from PAL to counteract the sadness you feel reading about someone else's loss. You do wonder why life throws this at some of us. The only problem is reading about 2nd trimester losses, just makes you realise you're not out the woods for a bit. Even then I don't think I'll be as relaxed as a mother can be until maybe a month after birth.

I've also been amazed at the stories from pregnant mamas after a loss, people with little ones of their own getting through the milestones. Amazing that hopefully this year I will also bring home a little one who'll stay at home this time. There are so many firsts Isabel never reached so I'm only just about being able to read about other people's children sitting up, rolling over...

I don't have the camera for bellypics so I'm taking measurements instead, I'm at just over 29" round the bellybutton, I think I started off at 27(ish). My normal measurement I'm sure is around 26 but I still had a bit of PP and post loss comfort eating fat. I went up to 36" in total with Isabel so who knows where this one will take me.

The view from the garden at the new spot, the hospital reassuringly in the distance not that far away.

Beginnings

I thought about starting a blog after Isabel's death but I didn't want to start something on a sad time. So now this is starting after I move house, only 10 mins from the hospital and closer to civilisation. Also I am 15 weeks pregnant with the next baby bean. The cycle has started again and although I feel an ache to not be able to hold Isabel I know I will have another baby. December seems so far away, the start of a pregnancy always seems to go so slowly. Waiting to get to the magic 12 weeks, waiting for the second scan to know what's in there.

My belly is starting to round a little so I feel happier to be becoming obviously pregnant. It will be a while before people feel they can ask if I am a little rounded or pregnant, but at least I know it's rounding for the baby bean. The next hurdle is the first movement. I knew I would miss not having a baby inside because it was reassuring to have a baby kicking and moving and to be constantly acompanied by someone. Unfortunatly I thought the movement inside would be replaced by movement outside. I think I will feel reassured when I can feel the bean moving and wiggling.

Baby bean with hands in front of face. The doctor had to move the little one to get other measurements and it was not at all impressed and did the hands waving in front of face thing, very much a 'stop bothering me' movement.