Bump photo

07/06/12, a photo by Stealth Leprechaun on Flickr.

There weren´t many. I did not grow gracefully. I ballooned like a balloon that has been blown up twice before and has totally given up the fight with gravity.

The beginning

28/07/12, a photo by Stealth Leprechaun on Flickr.

I'm just writing this blog so I actually keep a note of how these boys are growing and don´t forget what happened when. Plus family and friends can see what we´re up to without me having to share too much on facebook where not everyone cares about each tiny milestone.

I am not planning to make my life seem any more exciting or interesting than it is. To be honest it probably won´t be all that interesting and just a wee bit dull. But that´s life eh?

Anyway this is the beginning of Connor, or the end of the pregnancy and beginning of the end.

He grew,,I grew, thankfully Greenpeace didn´t roll me back in when I went to the beach.

Gender Disapointment

Now I am not going to lie finding out I was having another boy did give me some gender disappointment for a while. That´s why I didn´t want to find out at the scan, but never mind it doesn´t matter really. So Connor is a boy. But with a middle name Orlando I think it´s a fantastic name, which is one problem I had. No boys names jump out like girls ones do, but actually I think Connor Orlando is a cracking name.

But now I have my two boys I am very happy, they are lovely little men and bring me so much joy. I want to post about how fantastic they are before I post about my plan. Jordan also agrees that we won´t have another baby just for the sake of it, the next one has to be guaranteed a girl. But it´s OK there´s a plan. Plus I have also made peace with having two boys.

Now if I had a choice, 2 boys who are fantastic and easy to be around, or a girl who was a more challenging child what would I chose? Gotta go with better the devil you know haven't you. I have 2 cracking boys. They are absolute bundles of joy and easy to be around, and this makes me very happy. If I never have a girl it doesn´t matter. Apparently if you have boys you have friends for life. A girl I just met out here has a teenage son. He still gets into bed with her (OK that isn´t as creepy as it sounds). They´re close. Its fantastic. The main thing that worries me about a boy is we´re not so close and I lose them. But I don´t think that will happen, or it´s not guaranteed to happen just because they´re boys.

So before I talk about the plan or gender disappointment I want to do a post on each boy and why they are so lovely. I have written the post in my head a few times but it needs typing in apparently.

Where did it all go wrong

I can't believe this Christmas will be 3 years since Isabel was born. It's quite overwhelming. It almost seems unreal that it happened. In the same way I forget what Leo was like when he was a baby I forget what it was like to hold Isabel. The strong emotions are that final time I walked away from NICU knowing that later that day 2 children would be recieving the gift of life from my daughter. I walked away from my daughter who was breathing, her body was functioning, but yet her brain had let us down. That last visit with her was hard. What do you do to visit a baby in NICU, a baby who isn't looking at you, who is technically brain dead. We never took any photos in the hospital because that's not the baby I wanted to remember. I wanted to remember the baby that was in my arms, the baby I held, the baby I let down. It's still unbelievable that she's gone. It makes no sense.

We're now officially trying again so I'm coming to terms with never having a daughter. I have to prepare myself for only having living boys otherwise I will be so upset if I do hope for a girl. The things I will miss, helping my daughter on her wedding day, being there during her pregnancy, helping her with her own children. OK so one day I may have a daughter in law, but it won't be the same. She'll share all those things with her mother and I will be on the sidelines. My heart will always ache for the daughter who never stayed.




I'm still angry that it happened, but glad that through this Jordan and I have stayed together. At least it didn't break us up, which it could easily have done.

Now we have moved house the nearests hospital is the one with the NICU. It's on a hill so it's a major landmark in the city. I see it every time we go shopping. It brings back the memories of going to visit Isabel. Oh the dread as we walked up those stairs. I wanted to see her, to hold her, to take her home. I didn't want to stand by a stupid fucking box while nurses cared for my daughter. Then again they managed to keep her alive and get her fluids up so that her organs started to recover. I'm the one who failed her.

I suspect it's time to turn on the TV and have a glass of wine before I really start dwelling.

On the outside looking in

Christmas day 2010 should have been Isabel's 2nd birthday and was the first Christmas Day back in the UK. Jordan and I had a lot of 'talks' about how it would be. He said I had to pretend to be happy for Leo, and yes I agree that he cannot see that Christmas day is a sad day for me. I don't want his Christmas to be ruined by the gap that is unfilled every year. But I just couldn't promise I wouldn't get upsed. I can't promise that and I don't know how I will be each year. Part of me also doesn't want to be all happy and joyful as I feel that would be disrespectful. My daughter is dead and although I manage to forget this during some parts of my life I should remember her on her birthday. When we were talking, and getting a bit worked up, Leo was sat in between us chuckling an giggling. But it was so obviou s he was trying to laugh to make us happy. He was sat there laughing and just trying to lighten the mood, it broke my heart. How do I balance Isabel's birthday, and Christmas? How do I manage to not constantly have my son growing up trying to make sure I don't sit down and cry?

My parents as always did not say a single thing. Yeah OK maybe they 'didn't want to upset me.' But I cannot believe another year they didn't even say are you alright.

At one point I had to get something from the car, I looked across the road to my neighbours. They moved in when I was 7, their daughter was the same age. We went to school together and have kept in touch since university and life meant we saw less of each other. She was due a trimester before me, it seemed so perfect. Both pregnant with daughters so close together, we grew up together so it would just be so nice. Her daughter was also 6lb when she was born, the trouble is her daughter is still alive and I still don't understand why life did this. Well when I looked across the road I saw my friend and her husband with her parents with their arms round each other all dancing round in a circle. I must say I don't think I have ever hated them as much as I did. The contrast was so obvious. Me with my grief, them all together as a family dancing around with joy on Christmas day. I can't wait till her daughter starts school, starts dating, goes to university and gets married. It's shitty to deal with this crap, but it's even shittier to see constantly see the life that should have been. It's like our lives were together but we both got to a cross roads and I took the wrong path. Trouble is I can't go back.

My birth story

OK so I thought I'd put up my birth story, OK so Leo is now 17 months old, but still better late than never.

14 December 2009

My membranes were swept on Friday and so I started feeling crampy but Saturday that started to wear off. Not one to give up we went to buy a Christmas tree and came back up a dirt track to get things moving. I also finally got the nerve to wash some baby clothes. Sods law says if you suddenly put the clothes in the washing machine you will go into labor instantly. Unfortunatly that didn't work!
Sunday afternoon I started to get that, 'I really think this is it' feeling. I didn't tell my OH and carried on as normal so that I didn't get my hopes up too much. Late afternoon early evening I admitted it was happening and it was time to get the TENS pads on. Pressure waves were increasing in intensity and regularity. So TENS on and I parked myself on my birth ball. Eventually I realised it was time to get the MP3 player on and listen to the easy first stage hypnobabies track, oh and check I had everything in my bag. My OH even had a shave so he wouldn't look quite so scruffy in the photos.

I was starting to really feel the pressure and having to really lie down during pressure waves. OH started to ask when we should go to hospital so I decided it was about time to time the pressure waves. They were coming at 5 mins appart so time to get in the shower and get ready to go. Things were intense in the shower as I had to take the TENS and mp3 player off.

We live 10 mins from the hospital and got there just before 1am on 14 December. Typically this little guys due date so I guess he'll be a punctual little guy. At L&D I got asked the most random question, why are you here. I checked I had a big belly, and then realised maybe they wanted me to say I'm at term and having pressure waves 5 mins apart for 1 min and have been doing for an hour.

I got put on the monitor so that meant no electrical appliances. MP3 and TENS off. Naturally the top band wasn't tight enough and registered the pressure waves as only being minor little blips. The band was tightened and I was given a glass of pineapple juice (non of this silly nil by mouth lark in Spain). Now things looked better, the pressure waves were peaking high and had the long plateau bit in the middle. So I got an internal and was supprisingly at 5cm. Considering my last birth was on pit for pre labor ROM I was suprised how easy a natural 5 was. Suddenly I realised this would be a walk in the park. I was given a gown and told I could put that on, or stay in my own clothes, or the gown plus my trousers, whatever I felt comfortable in. They're so lovely and mother friendly in Spain.

So I went back to my room and just sat on my birth ball. We got a last belly photo. I am amazed I could stand upright, my OH was right I went from looking like I was smuggling a beach ball to smuggling a birth ball.

We just sort of hung out a bit I turned the TENS up now and then and just got on with things. I started to get that, it's time to lie down on the bed feeling. Standing up really kicked the pressure off so I decided to quickly get on the bed and not start wandering around. As things were getting intense I started vocalising during pressure waves and sort of started feeling gentle pushy feelings. Naturally this was the next time to go on the monitor so again off with the electrical appliances. That was not fun at all. Once they were taken off I got everything turned on again very quickly. The doctor commented on how well I was coping and she wished everyone coped as well as me, and that her birth had been as calm. I told her the pushy feelings were really intensifying so I got checked and was at 9cm.

She walked in with documents to get my ID number and address and had a baby records book in her hand. I almost cried at that point as it just dawned on me I was soon going to be filling that ache for a baby in my arms.

The doctor told me I could push when I wanted but had to wait for her to come back. Next pressure wave I really did try not to push initially, but to be honest I decided if she wasn't quick with all the stuff that's her fault, I wanted to push. Oh that felt good, and I realised that a natural birth really is easy compared to pit. Last time I went natural with only gas and air and hypnobabies but it was intense. After a bit of pushing my waters exploded, I'm so glad they stayed intact until then and I will always take vit C during pregnancy in future.

Everyone started getting excited that his head was coming out, it took a bit to crown and he did have the cord round his neck so they had to get me to move my legs and really open my pelvis up. His head was out and I was nearly in tears, then the body slithered out. That feeling was amazing and I just felt amazing that there was a baby, a live baby, and it was outside. He was put straight on my chest and they started cleaning him to pink him up a bit. I didn't look at his face to begin with because I had to keep kissing the top of his head. I held onto him so tight and that feeling of having a little one in my arms was amazing.


Then it came to pushing out the placenta. I've always wondered how people could say they don't know how to push, but suddenly I forgot what to do. Had to experiment with a few muscles before I got the right ones! After the placenta was out they reminded me to start breastfeeding and just left us alone. I think we were along for an hour or more and he fed like a champ. I was even glad to be pooed on a bit because that must mean his digestion was kicking off and he'd had a good feed.

When they eventually took him for a bath I had a shower, naturally forgetting to use a pad to walk to the loo so it looked like a horror film. When he was back we had more photos and videos, I kept kissing his head just incase he didn't know how much I loved him. Then I wandered up to the ward. I felt so good I didn't even want a wheelchair.

Leo was born at 4.30am on Monday 14th Dec weighting in at 8.2lb, 3.73kg was 52cm 20.4" long and had a 36cm 14" head. He got a 9 on the Apgar. We stayed in hospital until Tuesday. The hospital is very breastfeeding friendly and there's no nursery at all. He didn't feed much more till late on Monday afternoon, but he was passing a fair bit of the meconium. After that was gone he never looked back. He feeds really well and is giving a good number of nappys.

I now feel fantastic and cannot believe how amazing it feels to finally be holding a baby again. His facial features and expresions remind us of Isabel a lot which can be hard at times. He's getting better at nighttime sleeping now, a couple of night he only wanted to sleep nuzzled up to my boob or on my chest. Hey I guess the guy knows what's important. Now he's sleeping with us but in a sleep positioner to stop him rolling.

Basically another successful natural birth in a Spanish hospital. The care here is amazing, the food is healthy and tasty, double rooms with en suite, breast feeding friendly and co-sleeping is not an issue.

It's been a while

Well it's been a while since I was here. At the end of my pregnancy I went through one of those angry phases, you know the one where you don't think you'll ever come home with a baby that comes home and stays at home. I nearly packed away everything that I'd got out (which was only my pp pads, which lets face it I'd need anyway) and sat in the corner and stamped my feet. But well eventually I did manage to put clean bedding on the crib (and then put it back in it's protective plastic so if I never needed to use it, it would be one less thing to 'put away' as it wasn't actually really out and set up.

Leo has grown up so quickly so I think I need to start blogging again so I remember what actually happens before I'm sitting up waiting for him to come round with a grandchild and I'm wondering where my baby went.

When he was small I remember feeling sorry for a friend with an older child because they no longer had a baby, and said they couldn't remember their child being a baby. I felt sorry for them to not have a baby anymore and I did sort of dread Leo growing up. Well I was completely wrong, Leo is turning out to be a joy, it's lovely to play with him, read with him and just basically interact with a small human. OK so the small human is currently getting annoyed because I won't go outside and play with him. He likes to be picked up and swung at a football (or even better my yoga/birthing ball).

I shall really try to keep up with the blog now, catch up with what's gone on up until now, and also keep a note of our life from now on.

This is most probably my first post not tagged 'pregnancy after a loss'. How strange.